11/11/2020 9:28 PM - I can still remember this day 9 years ago. I was lying on the bed in the room my parents would eventually confiscate from me and thinking about how there'd only ever be another day in my lifetime that all 3 numbers in the date would be the same. It was a weird thought that made me want to commemorate it somehow. I still inexplicably have that memory even though so much from my preteen years now eludes me. I sit here day after day slacking on my single college class and listening to music that makes me feel powerful even though I'll probably still be here in ten years. WILL still essentially be here in ten years if I intend to achieve a doctorate like I told my mother. What the hell do I want with a doctorate? I don't want a phD in science if the only jobs out there for me will be teaching jobs. SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP SOMEONE HELP
10/28/2020 4:51 PM - A couple of days ago, I chanced across a video full of obfuscated murmurings in ancient tongues, blood, viscera and the blank faces of women animated into a horrific amalgamation. It gave me a bitter nostalgia for someone I once knew. That same day, a melody came to me born of video game soundtracks I find nostalgic and bittersweet. I booted up my computer, went on beepbox.co, and made it a reality. I brought it forth into the world and it killed me. It's possibly the saddest thing I could've written, and every time I remember it my heart stings. I wrote a poem to go with it, and I ended up writing it about someone who was very dear to my heart. A childish crush from a long time ago, someone I used to talk to all the time until things changed and it no longer made sense to stay in touch. If only I could find someone else who makes me feel such a dreadful yearning.
10/18/2020 3:33 PM - Damn it, I know I won't be handing out candy to kids or going anywhere, but it'd still be cool to have a costume. I've been considering being Haruhara Haruko in her baseball uniform, but I doubt I'll have much time to do any sewing since I'm visiting family out of town from now 'till the end of the month. Guess I'll just schlep some stuff together from the Goodwill :P
10/12/2020 12:30 AM - I'm writing a song. I like the way it sounds, but the lyrics...that is, who I chose to write them about...they don't really fit with the way the sound makes me feel. I feel dirty trying to confine emotion into words, and pairing those words to music is especially challenging. Like I'm worried about doing them justice. I was playing it on my guitar, and my dad walked in and started humming it. I can never tell with him, either he legitimately thought it was a catchy tune or he was just forcibly blurting out my song, trying to encourage me to make it sound less mediocre or something. Either way, I felt embarrassed.
10/11/2020 3:37 AM - Last month I found this awesome song, but I heard it for the first time the day I met this one guy. I liked him a lot when I first saw him, but doubted I'd be seeing him again anytime soon, so I associated my feelings for him with the lyrics a little bit. "Harness your hopes on just one person." I guess I was just more excited to meet somebody interesting than I was at the idea he might reciprocate. It has been so long since I was attracted to anyone, after all.